How can we all come into this world so confidently and end up so confused. As babies fresh out the womb we felt no shame, no judgement, maybe just a little bit pissy seeing as our whole way of life has just been shifted and we find our selves in a cold world full of lights, but in an instant we were back happy.

I want to get back to this point. Not the whole baby thing but the idea of just being happy and willing to learn, willing to love, and willing to be freely me.. kicking and screaming included.

Somewhere between day one and year 25 I became a cautious, fearful, introverted freak. And I can say this because in order to change the parts of me I want to change, I have to recognize them and acknowledge that they are apart of me. I’ve always wanted to be the person who had many people they could talk to, yet I never struck up any conversations first, sadly. So this year I decided to start many conversations by making my thoughts public and allowing myself to let more people (maybe a shit ton of people) into my thoughts. Not only that but pushing myself to actual react with others on social media. This may seem small or stupid but I’ve never been more honest, and as much damage as social media can cause it has been my gateway into connecting with people who think, feel, and love the same things I love 💕. The little interactions lead to meaningful conversation with strangers who have turned out to be friends, my “digital village”.

My confidence is on 8 right now, and that’s on a scale of 10. Most people don’t realize the strength it takes to be open and honest in a harsh world without caring about the consequences. It’s easy for some, especially people growing up in this technological age but it took me a while to get here. I had to break out of the routine of making sure everything was perfect before 1. Posting a picture, 2. Writing something I really wanted to write about, and 3. Speaking my truth. What I mean by speaking my truth is not being nasty or deliberately trying to hurt others feelings but saying what I am and am not going to put up with.

“ no you can not have my last piece of chicken.”

“Yes I do mind if you move my stuff with out asking me.”

“Would you like to hang out sometime of coffee!?”

All in all I’ve stopped being so passive aggressive and I love myself for it. I love the people who stuck around even after finding my voice. People who understood where I was coming from which was a surprising relief.

Coming to fruition that my passive aggressiveness came from not wanting to lose the people in my life was the first step. Second was allowing myself to see that i didn’t want those people in my life if they couldn’t understand I was no longer going hinder myself by putting other people’s thoughts and feelings so highly above mine all the time. Third came the relief and another step of freedom.

The willingness to love myself more now than ever is a process, I, like everyone else, will always be a work in progress. Complete acceptance of everything that I am is the ultimate goal. I’m not a person who likes to believe other people can tell you how to love yourself or love others but I’ve opened my self up to the possibility. It’s one of the best things I’ve done for my self. Recently read a few self-help books that reminds me everyday of the person I’m trying to become and the importance in loving and believing in myself. I strongly suggest you pick one up if you have been trying to do it in your own and are not quite succeeding.

A few of my favorites

You Are A Badass Everyday – by Jen Sincero

She has a few books in the bad ass series but this short book is compacted with wonderful everyday pick me ups and reminders on just how great you are

The Gifts of Imperfection – by Brene Brown

I love this book, definitely a keeper, a reminder that you are good enough and tips to keep your souls in a good mood

UnFu*k Yourself – by Gary John Bishop

This title really says it all lol, and it is a great read, I happen to love the audio book and is great for listening to in traffic

Thanks for reading a part of my journey 🥰

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