Finding Me (diary)

How can we all come into this world so confidently and end up so confused. As babies fresh out the womb we felt no shame, no judgement, maybe just a little bit pissy seeing as our whole way of life has just been shifted and we find our selves in a cold world full of lights, but in an instant we were back happy.

I want to get back to this point. Not the whole baby thing but the idea of just being happy and willing to learn, willing to love, and willing to be freely me.. kicking and screaming included.

Somewhere between day one and year 25 I became a cautious, fearful, introverted freak. And I can say this because in order to change the parts of me I want to change, I have to recognize them and acknowledge that they are apart of me. I’ve always wanted to be the person who had many people they could talk to, yet I never struck up any conversations first, sadly. So this year I decided to start many conversations by making my thoughts public and allowing myself to let more people (maybe a shit ton of people) into my thoughts. Not only that but pushing myself to actual react with others on social media. This may seem small or stupid but I’ve never been more honest, and as much damage as social media can cause it has been my gateway into connecting with people who think, feel, and love the same things I love 💕. The little interactions lead to meaningful conversation with strangers who have turned out to be friends, my “digital village”.

My confidence is on 8 right now, and that’s on a scale of 10. Most people don’t realize the strength it takes to be open and honest in a harsh world without caring about the consequences. It’s easy for some, especially people growing up in this technological age but it took me a while to get here. I had to break out of the routine of making sure everything was perfect before 1. Posting a picture, 2. Writing something I really wanted to write about, and 3. Speaking my truth. What I mean by speaking my truth is not being nasty or deliberately trying to hurt others feelings but saying what I am and am not going to put up with.

“ no you can not have my last piece of chicken.”

“Yes I do mind if you move my stuff with out asking me.”

“Would you like to hang out sometime of coffee!?”

All in all I’ve stopped being so passive aggressive and I love myself for it. I love the people who stuck around even after finding my voice. People who understood where I was coming from which was a surprising relief.

Coming to fruition that my passive aggressiveness came from not wanting to lose the people in my life was the first step. Second was allowing myself to see that i didn’t want those people in my life if they couldn’t understand I was no longer going hinder myself by putting other people’s thoughts and feelings so highly above mine all the time. Third came the relief and another step of freedom.

The willingness to love myself more now than ever is a process, I, like everyone else, will always be a work in progress. Complete acceptance of everything that I am is the ultimate goal. I’m not a person who likes to believe other people can tell you how to love yourself or love others but I’ve opened my self up to the possibility. It’s one of the best things I’ve done for my self. Recently read a few self-help books that reminds me everyday of the person I’m trying to become and the importance in loving and believing in myself. I strongly suggest you pick one up if you have been trying to do it in your own and are not quite succeeding.

A few of my favorites

You Are A Badass Everyday – by Jen Sincero

She has a few books in the bad ass series but this short book is compacted with wonderful everyday pick me ups and reminders on just how great you are

The Gifts of Imperfection – by Brene Brown

I love this book, definitely a keeper, a reminder that you are good enough and tips to keep your souls in a good mood

UnFu*k Yourself – by Gary John Bishop

This title really says it all lol, and it is a great read, I happen to love the audio book and is great for listening to in traffic

Thanks for reading a part of my journey 🥰

Leave me some love if you feel like it

Twitter: @ReadWriteThruMe

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Full Throttle

Today’s the day. I took a leap of faith within myself. I have always been a money cautious, penny pinching, Mr. Crab kind of gal, and today I made the decision. The decision to fully pursue what I have only dream’t of doing for so long, writing. This may seem small but that’s all it takes, one small act of courage, one small push in the right direction to get the momentum flowing and right now its full throttle. I BOUGHT MY FIRST LAPTOP! And yes I need a stiff drink.

The feeling of inadequacy came flushing in as soon as I stepped inside my car leaving Best Buy. “what the hell have I just done?!” “did I seriously just spend this kind of money today…on me?” honestly. I was cool as a cucumber on the outside paying for this laptop but my insides were boiling like hot lava, convincing me I was making a mistake, I could be investing this money in something, as if investing money in myself was less important than investing money in strangers. Yes I’m a weirdo who tends to think like that. But today I did it. I blocked out the negative vibrations of my own thoughts and let my inner heart shine bright. This laptop is an ode to myself. To take myself seriously, to at least try because honestly what have I got to lose? I have everything to gain.

I made a review today about a self-help book, “You Are A badass Everyday” by Jen Sincero and it will be my bible for the nest few days, life- time, who knows because I plan on committing myself to this lifestyle. So if any of my lovely lovely followers have any suggestions on any more motivational, pick-me-up books, or even just words of encouragement, drop them in the comments and be my writing village

Instagram: @readwritethrume

Twitter: @readwritethrume

You Are A BadAss Everyday : short review/thought

✍🏻: Jen Sincero

Book: Your Are A BadAss Everyday

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ of 5

This is the second book I’ve read in the bad ass series and I read it in one day (I might have read it wrong lol.) Not that I don’t know how to read or anything like that but I think this is the kind of book where you take the chapters day by day, not just in one whole sitting. Regardless, it was just as amazing as “Your Are a Badass how to stop Doubting Your Greatness and Live An Awesome Life”. You can read this book in a single day and get great advise BUT it is not a book I would just put on a bookshelf after I read it. It’s perfect for keeping in my purse, my desk, or on a nightstand for quick pick me ups and advise to realign yourself with the universe and your goals when you’re not feeling as “badass” as you should. The writing style is the exact same, as expected (it is the same author) with a witty fun undertone and the perfect amount of pick me up cuss words to get motivated and excited about life. If you are looking for a little more of a break down and a deeper understand I would suggest reading “You Are A Badass” (yellow cover) first. Can’t wait to read another 💕

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Twitter: @readwritethrume

Then She Was Gone – Book Review

I feel i must say this off the bat, this review like all of my others are not traditional, really just my thoughts and feelings and little something something about the book that may or may not entice you to read it lol.

I’ll put this rating in the beginning because I feel so strongly about it

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

5 stars, yes 5 whole stars! This is right now, my FAVORITE BOOK I’ve had the pleasure of reading.

Then She Was Gone – Lisa Jewell

If she could unwind the timeline, untwist it and roll it back the other way like a ball of wool, she’d see the knots in the yarn, the warming signs. Looking at it backward it was obvious all along. But back then, when she nothing about anything, she had not seen it coming. She had walked straight into it with her eyes open.

Laurel Mack loses her youngest daughter, her golden girl Ellie 10 years ago. She had her whole life ahead of her and in a blink of an eye everything changed. 10 years after the disappearance of Ellie police find her bones, The speculation that Ellie ran away does not sit right with Laurel because like any parent, she knows her daughter is happy and knows this is not in her nature. Still closure. Meeting the man of her dreams shortly after accepting her new life is everything Laurel deserves. Charismatic Floyd is seemingly perfect in all ways and quickly sweeps her off her feet, but when she meets his 9 year old daughter Poppy all of the unanswered questions of her daughters disappearance reappears, worry and terror spill back into her life, Why does his daughter look exactly like Ellie? And why doesn’t this little girl have a mother?

Lisa Jewell has written a master piece of a novel filled with intense thrill and bone-chilling suspense. Taking a traditional storyline and completely making it her own, teasing and twisting out details with every page turn, unwinding the ball of yarn with precision. I was captivated by her style. This is the first book by Lisa Jewell that I have read so i wasn’t sure what to expect but the flawless chapters spoke to me. You wouldn’t think a thriller novel could be so poetic but she pulled it off. I found myself taking my time while reading this book. Reading page after page and then digesting the new tale of the story. I put this book down a few times saying “WHAT THE F***, did that just happen!” – and I say this is the best most exciting way possible. Eveytime I thought I knew what was going to happen I next I was delightfully met with a new twist or turn, keeping me at the edge of my seat.

The Epilogue SLAYED me. The ending of the book was amazing but this gave me closure I didn’t even know I needed, I think I needed this more than Laurel Mack lol 😝 ❤️, thank you Lisa for writing this amazing novel

Side note: I ran across an article about the ending, how the author changed it and it gives the “original” version, check it out and tell me if you prefer it or not. I’m definitely into the official version but it was super interesting to read another side, the side we somewhat dream of but no it’s not right.

https://blog.whsmith.co.uk/rjsp18-lisa-jewell-ending-envisaged-gone-warning-contains-spoilers/

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The XY – Book Review

This is the first book by Virginia Bergin I have read and it wont be the last. I didnt think I was going to finish this book and I almost put it down, but I am glad I didnt. The beginning is slow but once it picks up it really picks up! To the point I couldn’t put it down for a second. The XY is a wonderful YA novel that had me on the edge of my set ready to seek change inside this dystopian new world.

“It Is lying in the road— not moving.
I stop.
It has been agreed. If any creature- a human or any other animal – suffers and cannot be helped, it should be freed – quickly, kindly, and as painlessly as possible from its misery.
There are no agreements I know of that apply, specifically, to XYs. Why would there be?
But what I do know is that they cant live outside the Sanctuaries.
It’s going to die.
I look down at my knife, lying in the road, blade still out.”

In a world run by woman, men on the brink of extinction due to a virus that attacks the Y chromosome, a new generation is born. Men are forced into sanctuaries valued for their sperm count. They are needed to re-populate the once dying world.
Due to the new Aggrements River’s world is simple, there is no crime, no reason to fear anything, these fears eradicated and taught that murder and crime was mainly at the hands of men leaves a very open and honest world where everyone plays a intricate part of today’s new society.
The Grammumas, the last generation to be in a world of men, are filled with emotions. Having seen their brothers, husbands, and children perish from the virus are automatically attached to Mason when River brings him back to the village. They decide to save him even though Help and Rescue tell them to let him die.
Virginia Bergin has perfectly written a book that battles gender stereotypes. River never growing up with gender expectations becuase in her world woman do it all. And then Mason, who learns about the world from the “once-was” video games and sex vids. To him women are pretty, wear dresses and want men’s sperm. But more than the stereotypes this is now a world where men have become second-class citizens, who’s only value is their sperm to produce more life. Sperm / people who can be traded for needed resource’s within the country.
After River breaks one of the Golden Aggrements, Mason relies on his Code of Honor to save her. There quest for personal truth and justice turns political in knowing River and Mason are no longer the only ones who need help.

“Her name is River and she is daydreaming about the exploration of outter space. It is an autumn evening. Dark is coming soon. She is miles from home. She feels no fear. Why would she? There are no predators. No such thing as ghost. Fear belongs to another time. It lives on only in the memories of other. She feels no fear at all. Not even when she see’s it; the body lying in the middle of the road”

Thought-provoking and engaging. I really enjoyed this book, it left me with alot of unanswered questions. What would the world look like ran by women?. Would you enslave a group of people just to save the world and is it better to keep it hidden? Why would we need it hidden if it’s the right thing to do.

I thought the book was a little too stereotypical at first. A world ran by women, little to no crime, perfect government where everyone agrees to agree, the “perfect” number of councils, and the fact that women could be more resourceful with energy while being so cautious about the earth was just a bit much, but it’s exactly what I would have said if someone asked me a few days ago what a world ran by women would look like! I hated the idea that this generation of women would be capable of basically violating human rights (enslaving men), but when it comes to keeping the world alive and population rising it may seem like a great idea.

It seemed very unrealistic that man is the sole reason for bad around the world and that once they were gone it all went with them.

I however loved the ending, hope for change. I’m a sucker for someone to risk it all for what the believe in or even just how they feel. I also admired how The XY did not turn into a typical romance novel ( girl meets guy, girl falls crazy in love) and instead stayed true to wanting social justice and seeking political truth.

I had a few questions that are maybe supposed to be left unanswered.. was River and her bestfriend Plat (a girl if your wondering) in a relationship? Although we know the world is now ran by women not once was there talk of women being in love with another women. Just friendly relation ties. Furthermore no ethnicity was placed upon the characters, I liked this. Strangely I kept searching for something that would disclose that information but found great joy in that any race could make the characters like themselves.

Life After Life – Book review

I was unsure if I would like this book considering the time period in which it’s set. I ended up loving it!, Kate Atkinson has blown me away with Life After life and the journey it takes you on.

“What if you could live again and again, until you got it right?”

This concept is what took my initial interest in the book, as the story unfolds like an accordion you’re put in the life of Ursula Todd and the peculiar life she has been chosen to live. Ursula faces hardship after hardship during the greatest war in history and embarks on an unusual journey finding herself and the power she has to change to the fate of civilization. As she learns more about her ability to restart her life and though she often changes course accordingly, she does not always correct the similar overlapping events that take place, begging the question does she ever become completely conscious of her abilities, and if so would you change the outcome if you had the chance? Is the change for you, better for the rest of the world as we know it? As Ursulas life restarts and change, so does the events of her family and friends lives. There’s always constant traits and events the stay fundamentally the same forming the back bone of Life after life,

“Amor fati, love of fate, acceptance”

This book was perfect, although it started out fairly slow for me it quickly picked up and I couldn’t turn the pages fast enough! I love a book that will make you sit back and think about the situations of the characters and what it would be like to be in their shoes. Life after Life gave me that and more

Get more from this book in its sequel/extension A God In Ruins

A Deeper Love Inside

Porshe L. Santiaga is a rich spoiled girl who’s life is turned upside down when her house is raided by the police. Being the daughter of infamous drug lord, Ricky Santiaga, had been smooth sailing until now. A Deeper Love Inside by Sister Souljah take’s us on the Whirlwind journey of 10 year old Porshe navigating in a cold world.

As the sequel to the The Coldest Winter Ever, I had high expectation’s for “A Deeper Love Inside”, they were met no doubt!, but DEFINITELY not how I imagined. Porsche leads a different life from her sister even though trying to be exactly like her, she will forever remain different. I actual grew to love this book becuase of its differences. How can we write two stories about two different people and expect it to be the same?. The Quick witted, money-hustler Porshe is as loyal as they come. Determined to remain a true Santiaga, re-connect their family and everything they lost is her only goal. A goal made in Hope’s of recieving the same amount of love she feels for her family.

This is a true love story, a truthful side of family ties broken and love misunderstood. A lost soul looking for love in all the places we think we can get it, our families. But the reality is, alot of people don’t have that luxury. I love this book and Sister Souljah for “exposing” a very really side for some.

Dont care to much, Porsche. Every person you meet will use it against you.

The only thing that i had a problem with in this book is the lack of meaningful lessons from Sister Souljah. Usually throughout her books she has many underlying relatable messages not only directed for the inner city youth but everyone, I just didnt get as much of it as I wanted. The will to survive and keep fighting stuck out to me the most but towards the end it just fizzled out. With out ruining the book I will add that Porsche had some deep psychological issues left unanswered and some-what ignored. Does she fully heal? In the ending of The Coldest Winter Ever I thought I seen dramatic change in Winter Santiaga, not wanting her sister to have the same mindset as her and end up in the same situation. Yet as we enter near the ending of A Deeper love Inside she speaks as if she has learned nothing stuck in the same time period as when she went prison. While everyone one on the outside was moving forward she was frozen in time.

I love Sister Souljah, this another amazing novel by an amazing female writer. Much respect.